A Drastic and Rash Action

All human actions have one or more of these seven causes:

chance, nature, compulsion, habit, reason, passion, and desire.

- Aristotle

We make choices and we take action. Then we face the consequences and learn to thrive within the new context. There are times when those choices are difficult and unclear, requiring careful discernment. Yet, at other times they can be as clear as day - laid out before us and nearly labeled as the right choice. I find myself more fascinated by the ambiguous middle ground between these two extremes. Here the path is not always clear, but it is not necessarily arduous either. Instead, we will occasionally find ourselves simply drawn towards a particular decision. It does not feel difficult and the obstacles along the way are minor at best. Neither is it clearly understood as the best choice that will lead us to the most beneficial outcome. In my experience, these are the paths that we simply find ourselves wandering down without the clear reasons. Before we are fully aware, the point of no return has been reached. But there is no panic. Still just the odd sort of knowing. An assurance that can't often be explained - this is the path meant for me at this time.

I have wandered down just such a path. Packed up and left all that I knew to seek out an unknown opportunity. Odder still, leaving my beloved and familiar home state. Moving towards the hope of something better, but with no guarantees. Now I find myself intimidated by unfamiliar surroundings and a community that is foreign to me. Well, I suppose that I am the foreigner to this community. I have wandered down this path and followed the choices that mysteriously felt correct for me. I have changed my setting and context - now to define my role and live.

I am not sure which of the seven causes directly influenced my actions. Much of this has felt like pure chance - falling into place all on its own. I suppose that is the mystery of this path. Of course, along the way I have found reasons. Perhaps I have even made the reasoning fit what I could not fully explain. I do know that I have been fueled by desire - a desire to better myself and find opportunity. For too long I lived in mundane contentment. I was neither particularly miserable nor happy. I just survived and filled my life with little entertainments. It is not easy to break free from that sort of effortless contentment. It takes bold actions and a stern resolve to push oneself out of such a way of life. Courage must be mustered to seek out the different and sort through the unknown for the potential grandeur. Truly, my desire for more and my desire to discover and ignite my own passion for life is what kept pulling me down this path.

So, I have uprooted my life and changed the setting and scene. Now I must do the work and commit to this journey. Finding a new job, discovering new passions, making new connections, and constantly seeking out purpose - these are the hurdles ahead of me. Every morning takes confidence and discipline to keep my focus. 

It also takes tea. Many mugs of warm tea in the morning light. What does the quote on the tea tag read this time?

You are unlimited.

Yes. Yes I am~

Revisits

Bright winter sun on fresh snow. Chai in the mug and chocolate zucchini bread on the plate. A familiar setting with memories in the air~

The day that a child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. - Alden Nowlan

    I can see it from here. Just across the room, up a step, near the window. The tall table where I sat nearly two years ago. It was my birthday and my mind was infused with inspiration. A little brainstorming and this blog was created. I wrote furiously with hope and yearning for better understanding of myself and this life. Reflection and prayer came so easily when I felt connected to people and energized by the many blessings from God. Fueled by many warm mugs and hours of letting my mind wander, these electronic pages were filled with the typed words. Words that echoed in my head and answered the questions in my heart. They were shared and commented on by those in my life. Many hours. Many miles. Many changes...
   Now, I look back over to the corner table where I once sat and dreamed this into existence. Part of me is envious - there is so much in store for that man. I want to tell him about all the joy and heartache that is ahead. I want to warn him and instruct him on better choices. Yet, I am also grateful and appreciative. That man's choices will bring me to where I am today. Bring me to the person I am now. Yes, there are a couple things that I wish he had done differently along the way, but there isn't much point in focusing on those things. Choices were made and time passed. I am here now.
   So, another bright winter morning at a tall table in a familiar coffee shop. New choices lay before me and new insights flood my mind. Each day I look for strength and courage to face the trials and make those choices. Some days I wake with hope for my future - confidence in myself and knowing my true worth. Other days, the outlook is less rose colored - takes more effort to cultivate motivation and peace.

   I know this much: I am loved by my creator and have immeasurable value. We are called to know ourselves as beloved creations and to care for each other. In all that we do, we should respect and love ourselves and those around us. Cultivate community and help all to realize that they have amazing worth.

Easy said. Easy done.

Developing Quality: Compassion

Railroad ride the afternoon before. Waking in a different setting - a bustling city. A colorful coffee shop with lively discussions and pleasing aromas~

Compassion is something that you can develop with practice. It involves two things: intention and action. Intention simply means you remember to open your heart to others;you expand what and who matters, from yourself to other people. Action is simply the "what you do about it." Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love, and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you think of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff.  -Richard Carlson, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and It's All Small Stuff

    These words really speak to a core anxiety of mine. Am I being as compassionate and loving as I can in my interactions with others? I am a "helper" type of person. I will bend over backwards and change my plans in order to be open and assist those around me. It means quite a bit to me to know that I have done everything that I can for someone in need. Perhaps not meeting all their needs, but most definitely the ones that I can. So, it is nice to know that having compassion for those around me only takes a shift in my thinking. Of course, then I just need to followup with my actions. Take the steps before me.
   Thinking about compassion and making myself aware of how I interact with people every day allows me to notice things. I notice how often I want to interrupt people and draw the focus back on myself. I notice how I preserve a distance from people at first while I size them up - making little judgments before deciding how to relate to them. I notice how I often write people off and choose to invest nothing in our interaction.
   These are the traits and actions that build up the walls in our communities and instill anxieties within ourselves. I love realizing that compassion, when properly cultivated, will breed gratitude. Having gratitude for the gifts and miracles in your life really makes anxieties just melt away. Hard to worry about a potentially negative interaction with a coworker when you can appreciate your ability to devote yourself to your work. And all those logistics and details of taking a trip? Well, just focus on appreciating the natural beauty that you get to enjoy.
   Compassion will generate gratitude. Gratitude will add joy to your life. In my personal experience, it has been so rewarding to focus on the lives and stories of others. It is a blissful retreat to be released from living within yourself - to get out of your own thoughts about yourself. Amazing encounters and stories are out there.

Be open. Practice compassion. Enjoy the quiet rewards.

Miracles and Worth

Winter sunlight pouring in through the windows. Curled up in a warm room, on a cozy bed, and with a delicious aroma spilling from my mug~

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle. -Albert Einstein

    I know that I have heard this thought before. Whether it was Mr Einstein or another original mind, the heart of the concept is the same. Do you walk along seeing the world as a beautiful place that was wonderfully made and set before us to explore and treasure? Or do you go along in your normal day-to-day practices without noticing the miraculous, even if it was set right before you? I suppose that I like to picture myself as an "everything is a miracle" kind of person. That there truly is wonder and beauty in everything around us.
   However, looking back, I can not convince myself that I am living that way. I think that I used to, but have lost much of that wonder and awe. I suppose growing up does that. The worst moment was when I felt my imagination slip away. I was a very imaginative child. I could spend hours spinning imagined tales and living out the grand adventures of the characters in my mind. The world was a playground where anything was possible. Then two things came into my life: video games and bullies. The former left me with no opportunity to imagine my own world. The latter scared and shamed the imagination right out of me.
   So, I would say that I live hoping for miracles. Yet once you are living that path of the day-to-day, it becomes increasingly difficult to recognize the miraculous. Everything becomes normal and expected. It takes a real massive event to shake you.
   How do we re-cultivate our imaginations and learn to appreciate the miracles around us?
   Personally, I will start by learning to see and appreciate the worth of everything around me. Seems the best way to break the monotony of the expected each day. The sun rises each morning to wake us and warm the land for us to venture out of our homes. Music is composed and played to lift our spirits and speak to our souls. Food and drink are prepared and enjoyed to nourish our bodies and excite our taste buds. We connect with each other through the casual hellos and the warm hugs. We amaze and stun each other with the freedom of our behavior. We love and support each other. Every day we work to find our own worth and appreciate the worthiness in others. -These are the first steps to seeing miracles.-

Keep stepping. Miracles await.

The Ledger

Early morning sunlight cascading over frozen peaks. Crumbs from my breakfast on the table. Tea steam in the air~

Every moment and every event of man's life on earth plants something in his soul. -Thomas Merton

  I adore this truth. It brings me hope and peace in those times when the events of my life seem too confusing to be meaningful or too painful to bring anything good. In those unsettling moments, I can remind myself that I am merely doing the work that builds a great life. True joy and that full sense of worthiness will only be ours if we allow our lives to be full - of every emotion and experience. Stay diligent and let the work happen.
  Like many, the new year led me to reflect upon my life thus far and where my path is leading. Along the way, I realized that I do have many little moments and events that enrich my soul each day. I am an avid journal writer, but sometimes long-winded words do me no favors. I merely want to record that unique moment to remember and treasure down the road.
   Enter The Ledger...
  I have begun to keep my own personal ledger. Not for tracking the financial business of my life. Rather, to record the true gathering of wealth. A ledger to keep track of those little moments and events that lift my soul and make this life on earth truly blessed. A short recount of the experience and the date. Simple. I look forward to developing my ability to notice these moments when they arrive. Down the road, I will look back through my ledger and that is how I will measure my wealth on this realm.

May all our ledger entries be plentiful~

Giving Time To Grow

Hearty beef-barley soup with whole grain bread. Brie on the side. And, of course, some tea spiraling steam into the air.

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. --Robert Stevenson

  Perhaps it is the constant cold of winter. Or maybe the routine tasks of my work. Could even be the predictable rhythms of my rising, preparing, feeding, winding down, and sleeping. Whatever the factors may be, my days do seem to be repeating. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish one day from the next. Performing the same tasks, going to the same places, and seeing the same people. Yes, it is often quite easy to be unsatisfied by my days. I suppose that I am looking for the instant and recognizable proof that my day mattered. That I did something really worthy.
  However, there are some days where those instant results - those warm,fuzzy moments or clear results tasks - just don't happen. Instead, the work that you do and the moments that you have are merely small preparations for something bigger. I think that I have been told this over and over, but it is true. Anything really worth having is worth the work and long wait. So when my day feels unfulfilled and the monotony becomes overwhelming, I can find peace in reminding myself of the something larger that I am working towards. I can appreciate the little things as mere steps along the path. Thinking this way makes everyday a step forward. I am learning and progressing.
  So, maybe those routine days are not meant to give you meaning. Perhaps they are meant to teach you something. Live into them graciously. Routine for you could be meaningful for someone you meet.

Take time to learn~

Starting a New Year

A cold January morning. Lightly falling snow giving way to sunshine and bright blue skies~

  Here I stand at the beginning of the New Year. Another collection of 12 months with opportunities and unknowns. Another chance to work harder and achieve more. With all this laid out before me, I experience an odd mix of anxiety and excitement. At this point, I could become overwhelmed and stall out. However, I know that it only takes a little bit of focus to channel all that nervous energy into productive and healthy motivation.
  So, here's to a New Year of potential and reflection. So much time for friends, discussions, and learning.

Love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

  Yes, on this first day of the new year, we all have the lyrics to Aulde Lang Syne running through our minds. Should those old acquaintances be forgot? No - for the sake of old times, we honor and treasure those friends of old. A new year does not mean leaving behind every part of your previous life. Our very being is a compilation of the experiences we have had and the people we have known. You can't very well cut out a whole part of who you are. We must honor and value what is in our past, but be ever attentive to our future.
  So, blessings for the year ahead. May you treasure who you have been, who you are, and who you will become~

New Year - New Life

   Arriving at the end of another year. Frigid cold clawing at the windows. Snow covered mountains under the heavy grey sky. Warm coffee in the mug~

   These past five months have been a tumultuous time of change. So much of life has been turned about and even broken down. Now, to rebuild in a new way. All this time of uncertainty has been leading up to this moment. The anxiety and heart-ache, the new opportunities and forward steps, the kind words and support, the let downs and redefining. Seems that life is never settled. In fact, I believe that getting too comfortable in one place is unhealthy. Don't misunderstand me: We don't need to up and move frequently, change jobs on a whim, or leave people and communities behind. No, we do need connection and stability in the form of a community. However, the routine of life can be lethal. So, perhaps the drastic changes in my life as of late are  the Creator's way of nudging me forward. Forward into a new and better path.

   Faith has sustained me in this time of change. Faith in my God to lead and care for me. Faith in my true nature and values. Faith in those that love and support me. So, there is opportunity ahead of me. Yet I hesitate to reach out and take hold. Why?
   I am a nostalgic, hopeful romantic. I don't like to see my past just drift away. I love and value the people that I have become close with over the years. I cling to those memories and the meaningful moments that I have shared. I have been told that it is dangerous to live in the past -- it is better to let the past go and live in the present with an eye towards the future. Yet, something within me struggles with that notion. I realize that I am walking a thin line. How do I honor and treasure the past experiences of my life without letting them overrun my present and stall my future?
   In this time of processing, I keep running the words to "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" through my head. One small verse to be specific:

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin, Yet from what I do inherit, Here Thy praises I'll begin; Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by Thy great help I've come; And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.

   I picture those Ebenezers. Those great stone monuments that pay tribute to moments in my life. The lessons learned, experiences had, and the help I had along the way. I suppose that I must leave those heavy monuments where they stand. Doesn't make much sense to try to drag them along with me. I only slow my life down with them like they were the heavy anchors of a mighty ship. I will not forget them -- I will honor them.
   So, here comes the New Year. Embrace the change and growth. Have faith in the way laid before you. Raise your Ebenezers to honor the path that you have walked. Boldly acknowledge who you are and take a hold of the opportunities ahead. The future is wide open to explore -- live fully in the present -- let the past be.

Let it be.

Revealed By Quiet

Golden fall days. Warm sun, yet a nip in the air. Our world slows and quiets~

I can not stand silence. Those who know me well can attest to this fact. I live for interaction with others - chats over coffee, laughing about the stories we tell, or discussing our lives and beliefs. I learn a little more from each interaction. I edit and mold my personal volume of wisdom and truth. I take a moment after a significant interaction and really explore what was shared. How do I react and what thoughts spring to mind? What am I being guided towards as I interact with those around me? So, silence appears like the absence of learning and growth. Hence my inherent discomfort and avoidance of silence in my life. If no person is around, I fill my space with music, radio shows, or interesting talks. I need to feel part of a discussion. Part of active growth.
Yet, I have become fully aware that God chuckles at us when we get set in our ways and begin to believe that we understand ourselves fully. He chuckles at our child-like claims of certainty. Then He reaches out in a simple,smooth motion and...turns our entire world completely on its head~
During this autumn, when I find so much of my life slowing down and changing, it seems that quiet is unavoidable. In fact, it is chasing after me in a sort of slow-motion movie chase scene sort of way. I make big dramatic efforts to avoid and escape, yet it is just as quick and clever. This pursuit is incessant. I find myself exhausted... I give up every now and then. My running ceases and quiet washes over my life - seeping into all the corners and cracks. When it sets in, I find myself nervous and a little scared.
Yet, if you allow quiet to settle in gently and adjust around you, it will reveal amazing things to you. I am talking about comforting, warm quiet and not dead, cold silence. There is a difference! The quiet in my life now reveals much beauty and wisdom. Love from friends and family that are at great distances finds its way into my walls. Flavors in fresh foods and aromas of soups and baked goods fill the air in a way never before experienced. Passions for art and creativity are unleashed and fueled. Possibilities and ideas are lining up to be gently realized and deeply seen and embraced. The quiet allows me to see myself and to hear God in a way that is often mysterious and uneasy for me. Fortunately, God has an infinite amount of patience and love for me as I stumble and awkwardly approach Him in the quiet of my life.

Let the Autumn quiet and beckoning rest wash over your days. Steep some tea in your favorite mug. Embrace what the quiet reveals~

Claim Your Whole Self

Rich coffee. Turning leaves out the window. Thoughts and prayers rushing about~

I have often pictured many areas of my life as a balancing act. Not too much of one thing or another. Time alone and time with others. Time to work and time to play. Time for investing in a community and giving to others unselfishly. Likewise, a time to accept the love and support of a community. Yet, when contemplating balance I picture the tight rope walker. Swaying from one side to the other, she is focused and in a constant state of adjustment. Denying the pull of gravity in one direction or another. Is this balance? Finding too much influence in one area, we must deny that entirely to regain stasis? In my exploring for healthy balance, completely denying or resisting parts of my life does not satisfy!
Rather, I would prefer to think of this life balance as needing to embrace one part a little more to compensate for other parts. Think of it as picking up a little more truth in opposite areas of your life. Too much in one direction calls you to look in another to gather a different truth to find balance. Now, logic would tell you that this might lead to trying to gather too much! I don't believe this. Truth in life does not weigh down, but rather it lifts us up. I believe that we need to fully embrace the different truths and realities that exist in ourselves and in our lives.
Henri Nouwen talks balance in The Inner Voice of Love ~

There is within you a lamb and a lion. Spiritual maturity is the ability to let lamb and lion lie down together. Your lion is your adult, aggressive self. It is your initiative-taking and decision-making self. But there is also your fearful, vulnerable lamb, the part of you that needs affection, support, affirmation, and maturing. 

When you heed only your lion, you will find yourself overextended and exhausted. When you take notice only of your lamb, you will easily become a victim of your need for other people's attention. The art of spiritual living is to fully claim both your lion and your lamb. Then you can act assertively without denying your own needs. And you can ask for affection and care without betraying your talent to offer leadership.

I love this image of fully claiming and embracing every part of yourself. To acknowledge that each truth, emotion, motivation, and contemplation is a valuable and a worthy part of yourself. Our response to this idea may well be fear. It is a massive undertaking to simultaneously let go of every counter inhibition and wholly embrace yourself. There are truths that will trouble and challenge us - often shaking us to our core. The reward for living wholly embracing our entire being is feeling an immense sense of self worthiness. This is growth and healthy balance.

Music floats through the air as I sip from my warm coffee mug. This lyric rises above~ "But a fear, turned to faith, comes to love." Pray that this be so for all of us.